The Top Floor Flat

So this is an oldie but goodie apparently throughout Britain but I hadn’t seen it before my flatmate Ann sent it to me at work the other day. I had a good chuckle over this one:

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

 In light of your failure in recent years to nominate
competent candidates for President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths,
and territories (except Kansas,which she does not
fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint
a Governor for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any od you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English
Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation
guide.  You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have
been pronouncing it.

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2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise,
you will learn to spell 'doughnut'without skipping half
the letters,  and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by
the suffix '-ise'.  Generally, you will be expected to
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up
'vocabulary').
-------------------
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker
will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated
letter 'u' and the elimination of  -ize.
-------------------
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that
you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should
only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can't sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to
own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable
peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts,
and you will start driving on the left side with
immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.
--------------------
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol
(which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly
$10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those
things you call French fries are not real chips,
and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but
with vinegar.
-------------------
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling
beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only
proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
European brews of  known and accepted provenance will
be referred to as Lager.  South African beer is also
acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest
sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to
the beer.  They are also part of British Commonwealth -
see what it did for them.  American brands will
be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so
that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be
required to cast English actors to play English
characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a  Funeral was an
experience akin to having one's ears removed  with a
cheese grater.
---------------------
12. You will cease playing American football.  There
is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a
bunch of nancies).  Don't try Rugby - the South Africans
and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
---------------------
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a
game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1%
of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your
error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will
let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out
of their deliveries.
--------------------
14. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving
us mad.
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15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure
the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper
cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high  quality
biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with
cream)  when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Stay tuned… I’m composing a response to Her Majesty which I hope to have on the blog sometime soon ;).