The Top Floor Flat

I was a quarter of an hour late into the Spoonfed office this morning through no fault of my own.  In fact I leave at exactly the same time every morning (7:45am) and arrive at the office, which is 8 miles away, anytime between 8:40 and 9:30, usually rolling in just before 9am.  So how on earth does 8 miles take 90 minutes?  Here are the top 10 things that delay the London commuter.

1) Cyclists
I complained about cyclists when I lived in California.  I complained about then when I lived in Maine.  But I will never again complain about cyclists after living in London.  I’m not sure what causes these masochists to loose all fear of death in the face of double decker buses, but whatever common sense gene they’re missing, it manifests itself as the tendency to bike well below the speed limit in the bus lane on busy streets and not letting the bus pass.  Thanks.

2) Slow walkers in the underground halls
Slow walkers are annoying anywhere.  But they are most annoying as the underground announcment system is saying “stand back, the doors are closing” and if those people would JUST GET OUT OF YOUR WAY you would have made it to train.  Of course, when you’re behind a slow walker, the next bus or train won’t arrive for another 10 minutes.

3) Person under a train
I realise this is callous and there’s nothing funny about people who are so desperate that they want to end their lives. But it says something about the frequency of suicides on the London underground that there is an automated announcement citing severe delays or station closures due to “a person under a train.”  Please, if you ever have such thoughts, seek help.  At the very least, don’t choose to be a person under a train during commute hours.

4) Diversions

Diversions.  Sounds like something fun, entertaining… I don’t know, diverting! Unfortunately, diversions are a fancy way of saying that buses aren’t going to go where you expect them to go and they’re going to no do so very very slowly using round-about roads you’ve never seen before for no understandable reason.

5) Tourists
Fortunately, this is becoming slightly less of a problem as the summer ends but London is a popular enough tourist location that there will always, ALWAYS be someone confused by the ticketing system, unsure of which change to use when paying bus fare, or blocking major walkways while trying to read a tube map.

6) Crazy bus drivers
The bus drivers in this city are insane.  I think it might be a job requirement.  This generally becomes most obvious when they (insanely) decide to maneuver the bus into a space where a bus most clearly CAN NOT fit.  All bystanders and passengers look on in horror while trucks, cars, sidewalks or buildings nearly scrape the sides of their chosen method of transport.  Then, everything stops entirely while all drivers involved wonder how they are going to get unstuck.

7) Narrow roads
London is such a quaint city.  Clearly evolved from more provincial roots, you have pubs that are hundreds of years old, ancient traditions, the ruins of the original roman city and ROADS THAT ARE THE WIDTH OF TWO HORSES.  While this was great when all you needed on the road were two horses, when you have two double decker buses, a parked delivery truck, and a black cab and four bikers who thought they could fit in as well, things tend to slow down.

8 ) Broken underground barriers
For how much we pay for our Oyster cards, travel cards, and underground tickets (£4 for a one-way 2 zone trip?!) you’d think they would manage to make the things that accept our expensive travel vouchers functional.  Instead, long queues of people stand outside the single working barrier and glare at the station master who shrugs apologetically.

9) Black Cabs
Possibly even worse than cyclists, these maniac drivers don’t generally have a concept of how much space is needed for their vehicle.  Or stop lights.  Or how not to enter an intersection when they can’t get through. I don’t have the money to use the cabs but I’m pretty sure if I did, I’d be gripping the armrest, white-knuckled, the entire trip.

10) Minor delays
The biggest contributor to severe delays in my commute are ‘minor delays.’  This comically overused indicator (which can mean anything from ‘the trains are working fine’ to ‘you’ll be stuck in the tube with no prayer of getting out for the next 45minutes while we move between two stations’) gives you hope that things are only somewhat busy, and pretty close to working.  It’s time I figured out what a lie that really is.

So when I get into work, I’ve survived a harrowing, life-threatening experience that.  I overcome quite a bit on my way to the Spoonfed offices so it’s a good thing that there’s always a hot cup of tea ready to go when I arrive.